fauxklore | Entries tagged with puns

Once I fall behind, it always gets tempting to procrastinate further. So, come on, let me buckle down and write an actual entry.

Celebrity Death Watch: Hinton Battle was a Tony Award winning actor and dancer. Carl Weathers was an actor, best known for playing Apollo Creed in the first four Rocky movies. John Walker was a co-founder of Autodesk, a CAD software company. Wayne Kramer was the lead guitarist of MC5. Vittorio Emanuele, Prince of Naples, was the only son of the last king of Italy. Aston "Family Man" Barrett led Bob Marley’s backing band. Sir Anthony Epstein was one of the discoverers of the Epstein-Barr virus. Anthony George designed the flag of Grenada. Henry Fambrough had been the last surviving member of The Spinners. Jim Hannan pitched for the Washington Senators in the 1960’s. William Post invented Pop-Tarts. Bob Moore founded Bob’s Red Mill, an organic grain company. Jack Higgins was an editorial cartoonist for the Chicago Sun-Times. Bob Edwards was a journalist and radio host, primarily on NPR. Randy Sparks founded the New Chirsty Minstrels. Rabbi Jules Harlow was one of the editors of Siddur Sim Shalom, a popular Conservative Jewish prayer book. Benjamin Lanzarote wrote music for television shows. Reuben Jackson was a poet and jazz historian. Marc Pachter directed the National Portrait Gallery from 2000 to 2007. Brian Stableford was a science fiction writer. Ramona Fradon was a comic book artist. Jacob Rothschild was a banker, duh. Richard Lewis was a comedian. Iris Apfel was a flamboyant fashion designer. Juli Lynne Charlot created the poodle skirt.

Chita Rivera was an actress, singer, and dancer. She won Tony Awards for her performances in The Rink and The Kiss of the Spider Woman as well as receiving a Lifetime Achievement Tony in 2018. She was the first Latino American to win a Kennedy Center Honor (in 2002) and received a Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2009. Her most iconic roles included Anita in West Side Story and Velma in Chicago. The last time I saw her perform live was a production of the Kander and Ebb musical adaptation of The Visit at Signature Theatre.

Jean Malarie was one of the first two men to reach the North Geomagnetic Pole. (The other was an Inuk man named Kutsikitsoq.) He was a strong advocate for the rights of Arctic minorities. He wa son my ghoul pool list and earned me 19 points.

Toby Keith was a country singer. I had a colleague back around 2002 who played his song “I Love This Bar” constantly. I retaliated with Tuvan throat singing.

Sieji Ozawa conducted the Boston Symphony Orchestra for many years. I first saw him conduct in the mid-1970’s when I went to Tanglewood several times on excursions from the NSF biochemistry program I spent a summer at. He was a very animated and energetic conductor and always interesting to watch. And he got bonus points for being a Red Sox fan. Which brings me to this story, which I should probably apologize for (but won’t):

Seiji was conducting Beethoven's 9th during a critical time in Boston. The Red Sox were fighting for a post-season slot and everyone - including the members of the orchestra - was excited. Well, there's a long section towards the end of that piece where the bass players have no music to play and they took to slipping across the street to a bar to watch the ball game. To make sure they'd get back in time , they tied a string to the page in the music a little while before they needed to return. They strung that to the bar so that they could feel a tug when Seiji turned the page.
One evening, the game was particularly exciting and the beer was flowing more freely than usual, so they missed the tug on the string and got back late. Seiji was furious. And justifiably so...

It was the bottom of the 9th, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

Mojo Nixon performed music that was a cross between rockabilly and punk. His songs included “Elvis is Everywhere” and “Debbie Gibson is Pregnant with My Two-Headed Love Child.” The late 1980’s were interesting times.

Alexei Navally was the opposition leader fighting against Vladimir Putin’s regime. I really hope you didn’t need me to tell you that.

Brian Mulroney was the prime minister of Canada from 1984-1993 and participated in the development of NAFTA.

Non-Celebrity Death Watch: Millie Loeb died in July 2023, but I didn’t find out until late January. Back in the late 1980’s I took a couple of writing classes through UCLA extension. One of those was Millie’s class, Our Stories, Ourselves. The women in that class became close as we wrote stories about our life experiences and we went on to continue for another semester outside of UCLA, meeting at one another’s homes. The work I did in that class led to some of the personal stories I still tell. In short, Millie was a great influence on my life and I’ll miss her.

Speaking of Storytelling: I have told my story about my sense of direction at two story swaps since the show at the beginning of February. I think that the last time (at the Community Storytellers zoom swap), it was pretty much where I want it to be.

I’m not performing in the Women’s Storytelling Festival this year, but I am volunteering and will be emceeing on Sunday morning, March 17th. Tickets are still available. For more info and to buy tickets see The Women’s Storytelling Festival Web Page. Note that, while we’d love to see you in Fairfax, Virginia, the festival is being live streamed so you can watch from home. And the recordings will be available through April 21st.

Assorted Medical Stuff: I had some catching up to do on routine medical stuff (and one less routine but inevitable item). So I had a regular dental appointment. The same week, I had a bone density scan, which was a bit uncomfortable because I don’t normally lie flat ton my back on a hard table. Alas, I have some bone density loss in my spine, though my neck and hip are fine. A few days later came my mammogram, which was negative. Finally, the non-routine matter, was an ophthalmologist appointment to prepare for cataract surgery. I've now got that scheduled for mid-June. I’m somewhat of a nervous wreck about it because I made the dubious decision to read the whole write-up of potential complications. By the way, I have an appointment with my primary care doctor this Friday to go over the usual test results and get a couple of more vaccines because I’m old.

TCC Book Club: The travel book of the month was I Married Adventure by Osa Johnson. She was just a teenager when she married Martin Johnson and they set off to photograph people and animals in the South Pacific and, later, in Africa. She certainly lived an interesting and unconventional life. The curator of the Osa and Martin Johnson Safari Museum in Kansas joined our meeting and it definitely sounds like a place I need to get to one of these days.

Travel & Adventure Show: Cindy and I went to the Travel and Adventure Show on the last weekend in February. I’d gotten the tickets free. I found info on a couple of things I’m interested in but, as usual, there were far too many things like time shares, cruises on megaships, and other things I have no interest in. On the plus side, I did also manage to resupply my stock of tote bags.

Genealogy Meetings: The February meeting re: Apple Users and Jewish Genealogy was particularly interesting because we had a lot of good discussion about organizing photos. Our local Jewish genealogy society meeting had a presentation on researching relatives in the UK. The speaker was very good, but the subject wasn’t particularly relevant to my family.

The bigger genealogy event I went to was RootsTech, but that deserves its a separate write-up.

You may (but probably don't) recall that a couple of years ago one of my goals involved sending entries in for the Washington Post Style Invitational. I accomplished that, but didn't get any ink out of them. Since then, I have sent in an entry now and again, though infrequently. Because it takes time and thought, which are commodities in short supply today.

Last night, as part of pre-vacation preparations, I opened a bunch of mail from the past week and a half or so. And I found a loser magnet (the "Puns of Steel" one). That's what you get for an honorable mention, though I believe I should technically have gotten the pine air freshener ("fir stink") for first ink.

At any rate, I got ink!

(And, yes, I know nobody else on the planet is as excited about this as I am.)

First, I did get around to uploading photos of the Dupont Circle Valentine's Day yarn bombing.

About the only significant thing I did the week before leaving was go out to dinner with the D.C. flyertalk crowd. Well, actually, there was someone visiting from northern California, but I see her on the East Coast all the time. There was one new person and I hope we didn't scare him too badly. We ate at BTS, by the way, which is a trendy burger joint in Foggy Bottom. I thought it was quite good and they have an excellent beer menu, including Big Daddy IPA. But the conversation is really the point and that was, of course, excellent.

I can get a piece of paper off my desk if I mention that my immediate reaction to seeing a "kangaroo wallet" in a catalogue was to speculate about what kangaroos have that they can't just carry loose in their pockets.

As for celebrity death watch, I can't say much for either Andrew Breitbart or James Q. Wilson other than that the latter was at least a more thoughtful and more civil Conservative pundit. But I can recycle a pun for Davy Jones and sing, "I'm a bereaver."

I have a couple of non-celebrity deaths to cope with, too - a friend's husband and a colleague. There is also the imminent demise of Melody Records in Dupont Circle, a place that has been way more responsible for exercising my credit card than I care to admit.

In more positive news, Fenway Park has been declared a National Historic Site! Yay! I should also mention the retirements of Tim Wakefield and of Jason Varitek. Tek, in particular, was one of my favorites for many years, probably because he played his entire major league career for the Red Sox. I wish him (and Wake) well for the future.

Speaking of baseball, I now have a ticket to a game at the new ballpark in Miami. No, I'm not obsessive, no, not at all.

Finally, I read today that the Grim Reaper walks at 2.4 miles per hour. (Before you ask, I've already forgotten where I read it, but if you insist I will claim it was an actual scientific reference.) I hope that is referring to flat terrain only.

This is one of my hodegpodge entries - basically everything but cake.

Follow-ups: Ron solved the mystery of my "303/357" note to myself. That's a battery size and I wrote it down when I needed to replace the batteries in two of my travel alarm clocks.

I solved the mystery of "3200-11" myself by (duh) googling it. It's a DoD Instruction having to do with test ranges.

I also did a bit of research on "boughten" and found it is northern U.S. dialect. I will note that I use it only as an adjective and almost entirely in relation to food items, though I could stretch to referring to a boughten sweater (as opposed to a hand-knit one).

Sometimes the headline says it all: "Car eating rabbits invade Denver airport." The story explains that the rabbits eat soy-based wiring found in some late model cars.

Weird thing to wonder about: Suppose a transsexual decides to convert to Judaism. What would an Orthodox rabbi do? I am, of course, assuming the person's history is known to the rabbi, but the question becomes harder in some ways and easier in others if it is not.

Fun with names: I was amused to learn that one of the largest manufacturers of glass for the defense industry (e.g. in night vision glasses) is Schott.

Celebrity death watch: I am slightly annoyed (though not at all surprised) that Barbara Billingsley (who played June Cleaver on Leave It To Beaver) got a lot more attention than Benoit Mandelbrot (who did much of the key mathematical research on fractals).

Story swap: I went to the Voices in the Glen story swap at Michael's on Saturday night. There was a reasonably good turn out and the swaps are always fun. A particular highlight was hearing Eve's son, Jonathan, tell "Birds of America." I also enjoyed Bill's story about Elizabeth Bathory.

Coral Reef Update: The Hyperbolic Crochet Coral Reef Exhibit is open at the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History! It was supposed to open on Saturday but there was a water main break on Constitution Avenue, so the museum was closed. I saw the reef yesterday afternoon and it is lovely. The community reef is the biggest part of the display and is huge. I was able to find some of my contributions. And my name is spelled correctly on the plaque, which is always a plus. The exhibit runs through April 24, so you have lots of time to check it out.

USA Science and Engineering Festival: The inaugural USA Science and Engineering Festival is next weekend. There will be booths on the National Mall and around Freedom Plaza and Wilson Plaza and in the Mellon Auditorium. I'm volunteering and will be at the Mellon Auditorium info booth all day Saturday, so stop by and say hello if you're there. And you should be there. It looks like there are a lot of cool interactive exhibits and plenty of performances on four major stages and several smaller ones. (In case you are wondering how I came to be involved, the call for volunteers went out to a local MIT email list. I went to the volunteer training yesterday, which is why I was already in the city to check out the coral roof.)

Amazing Race: I haven't been to Kiruna, Sweden, though I've been to Sweden and I've stayed at another Ice Hotel (in Quebec). My wrap-up is behind a cut since some people may not have viewed the episode yet.

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I was going to write a brief rant on the unhelpfulness of my company's help desk, but I'm in an "accentuate the positive" mood. So, instead, excerpts from a brief email exchange at work, which started with a reminder of a retirement ceremony for an Air Force officer who used to be in our group. Note that the name of the pub is actually pronounced "Shinn-ay." I will use first initials, except that two people involved both have names that start with R.

K: Reception after the ceremony will be at Sine's Irish Pub.

R1: Is there also a Cosine's Irish Pub?

S: Let's not go off on a tangent.

Me: See what you've TRIG-gered.

K: This is all very funny once I had someone explain it to me, but stop with the math jokes.

R2: Why? Have you reached your limit?

I am feeling more caught up with life in general after Pesach preparations and taxes. By the way, I found the piece of paper with the routing number for the credit union on my dining room table. It had been in the newsletter they include with their monthly statement. So I can inflict these on you:

1) If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

2) Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.

I like making up names for products that don't exist but should. Hence, the following two names for drugs that Eli Lilly or Merck should get cracking on:

Lyricease - a cure for earworms. (This is particularly urgent because, even though I didn't much care for Legally Blond, the song "Omigod You Guys" keeps breaking into my skull. And I walked around for three days this past week humming Ralph McTell's "Streets of London.")

Knitarrest -stops that urge to do just one more row, one more row, one more row until next thing one knows it is hours past bedtime.

Thanks to the aforementioned The World According to Bertie, I have a new parlor game to play.

Matthew (who is an art dealer) tells Angus (a painter) about Antonin Artaud (the French dramatist / critic who shares my birthday). Apparently, Artaud painted monochrome canvases and gave them clever names as a joke. The all white one was "Anaemic Virgins on their Way to their First Communion in a Snowstorm." An all red one was "Apoplectic Cardinals Picking Tomatoes by the Red Sea."

Matthew then has Angus try to come up with a few titles. For blue, he proposes "A Depressed Conservative at a Risque Film Convention" or "A Sailor at Sea, Swearing." My favorite was for green - "An Envious Conservationist Sitting on the Grass Reading Our Man in Havana."

What I've come up with so far is:
Yellow: Cowardly Canaries in a Field of Buttercups
Pink: Healthy Socialists Snipping Fabric at a Barbie Convention

Your turn.

Some time ago (back in 2002, in fact), I created a parlor game called "one-letter recipes." I described it as follows in an entry over on Areas of Unrest.

The object was to add a single letter to the name of a food in order to suggest an entire recipe. For example, salmond must be salmon cooked with almonds. Papricot is a bland baby food flavored with apricots. Bacone is bacon formed into a cone shape, to be filled with scrambled eggs. I tried this out on Tiny Tim and the best one I heard in response was "skim chee = low fat fermented cabbage." Folks came up with several variants, including adding letters in the middle, to which I speculated on whether pope tarts would be made from communion wafers. You can also just do general puns on the concept, e.g. mustardy is a yellow condiment that always arrives after the rest of the meal. Or add multiple letters. If your friends are anything like mine, they'll be at it for hours. Oh, another good one was "pizzap" for microwaved pizza.

A fairly common meal in Madagascar is zebu steaks or brochettes. (Zebu are humped cattle, which are used primarily as beasts of burden.) They are often accompanied by a nice bottle of Three Horses Beer. I believe this combination should be named "zebru."

As some of you know, I am fond of puns and often use them as a basis when selecting wines to buy. (Which mostly proves that I know nothing about wine, but that's besides the point.)

I once gave a friend a gift that included both Marilyn Merlot and Blockheadia Ringnosii.

Lately, I've been fond of 7 Deadly Zins.

In the store this evening, I ran across the best name yet. There is a wine for sale right at my local Safeway called Screw Kappa Napa.

Did you hear about the thug who married three times? Each of his wives bore him seven boys.

He was widely known as the 21-son galoot.

I finished rereading the college humor book (from which I have posted a couple of puns here) and discovered within it one of my favorite punnish pieces of all time. Namely, a series of pictures of sheep with the caption "See the merino standing there / with his long shaggy hair." The puns are mostly on the word "hair" which becomes "heir," "hayer," etc.

The piece is apparently from The Harvard Lampoon, but what is bothering me is that I have distinct memories of having seen it in Mad Magazine in my youth. I suppose it's possible that Mad bought it subsequent to its original publication, but that would seem rather unusual for them. Is there an index to Mad somewhere which would tell me?

Greta Garbo was seen to spread grass seed in her hair. When asked why, she replied, "I vant to be a lawn."

I'm still going through my books to find ones to get rid of, which means rereading a lot of them. The following is out of an anthology of college humor and dates to late 19th century Yale:

Johnny: Funny, you never hear about labor unions south of the equator.

Charlie: Of course not. It's illegal to strike below the belt.

Yesterday, I ran into two people I worked with at my previous job. Both of them are named Chris. Obviously, it's beginning to look a lot like Chris-mas.