Gratuitous Puns

[fauxklore]

I am feeling more caught up with life in general after Pesach preparations and taxes. By the way, I found the piece of paper with the routing number for the credit union on my dining room table. It had been in the newsletter they include with their monthly statement. So I can inflict these on you:

1) If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

2) Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.

Comments

[miz-hatbox.livejournal.com]

Chag sameach!

[guyklose.livejournal.com]

Years ago, a friend and I worked up a camp skit with all sorts of awful jokes similar to the upholstery one. He'd based his first draft on some old Vaudeville-type routine he found in an old book in the library. The routine had a name: Corn But Not Forgotten. We then embellished it as best we could.

Of course, I'd tell you the story about the ceiling, but it's over your head. :)

[guyklose.livejournal.com]

These aren't mine, but they just came in via email:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ' Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the woman did not know how to juggle, she just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[fauxklore]

There were actually a couple there that I hadn't heard before. I particularly like #20.

My all time favorite of the one-liner variety is "A plateau is a higher form of flattery."