fauxklore

Long-term readers may know about my fascination with the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue, purveyors of the ridiculous, useless, and overpriced, along with a handful of things I might actually want (and a smaller handful of which I bought.)


Let’s start with the not actually ridiculous but way overpriced category:

The Professional’s High Potency CBDa Cream: I will admit that I have no idea what CBD cream retails for. And I don’t entirely understand what CBDa is versus the CBD that they sell at, say, convenience stores. Bu I suspect that you can get something just as good for less than $59.95 for a 1 oz jar. Or $99.95 for a 1 oz jar that has not quite twice as much CBDa-rich Chylobinoid (and twice the menthol).

The Heated Sweater Fleece Jacket: This is a jacket with thin heating elements. It’s powered by a rechargeable battery. This is the sort of thing I sort of want, since I am always cold. But, I assume you can’t just throw it in the laundry. And it, apparently, heats your front and back, but they don’t say anything about your arms. At any rate, I could buy several sweaters to layer for the $169.95 this costs.

The Shackelton [sic] Expedition Hero’s Sweater: While we’re on the subject of warm sweaters, this is a reproduction of a sweater worn by Tom Crean, who was part of Shackleton’s expeditions. It sells for $189.95. That isn’t necessarily outrageous for a hand-knit merino sweater, but it seems a bit rich for Crean’s blood, given that he was a ship’s carpenter who eventually went home and opened a pub.

The Child’s Luxury Turkish Robe: In principle, I have nothing against the idea of a child having a nice bathrobe. But it seems to me that spending $69.95 on a garment that will be outgrown in a matter of months is not a good use of money.

The Sanitizing Sleep Cocoon: I can understand being concerned about how sanitary the sheets in your hotel room are. The gimmick here is that this sheep sleeping bag is impregnated with silver chloride to allegedly ward off bacteria and mold. It sells for $99.95. You can buy a normal sheet sleeping bag at REI for about 20 bucks and the difference in price can pay for quite a lot of detergent and bleach.

The Solid Wood Fold and Store Puzzle Table: This is actually something I would like for doing jigsaw puzzles. But not at $249.9.


I am not actually qualified to speak to toys, since I don’t have children. But lack of qualifications doesn’t seem to stop other product reviewers, so here goes:

The Mimicking Slow Talking Sloth: Hammacher Schlemmer loves talking toys. The gimmick here is that this plush sloth repeats anything you say, just slower. And he comes with a hoodie that says “sloth mode.” It seems to me that this would encourage kids to make fun of people with speech deficiencies. (Or, for us fast-talking New Yorkers, to mock Southerners. Oh, wait, I already do that.)

The Kickball Dartboard: This looks like it might actually be fun. There’s an inflatable dartboard and four balls and everything is covered with velcro. So you inflate the whole thing (with the included pump) and kick the balls towards the target dartboard. I imagine you could just throw them, too. But you could buy lots of real sporting equipment for the $179.95 they want for this. And this seems much less dangerous than, say, lawn darts, so probably isn’t as much fun.

The Personalized Engine Lover’s Repair Set: Does your boy aspire to repair the engines of cars, tractors, or caterpillars? (Caterpillars are apparently some sort of machinery. I thought they were larval butterflies, but then I’m a girl. And, yes, I am joking because I am annoyed that they show only a boy in the catalogue picture. If I were a parent, I’d be more concerned that this requires 8 AAA batteries. It also has 58 pieces, which I am sure will easily get lost or swallowed. It costs the same $129.95 whether or not you opt to get it personalized, i.e. makes it harder to resell when the kid decides he wants to be a hairdresser instead of a mechanic.

The Animated Plush Piggy Bank: When you put a coin in the slot, this piggy bank wiggles its ears and sings a song about saving money. That seems more likely to traumatize a child than to encourage them to save money, but what do I know?

The Story Telling Cow and Finger Puppets: When you squeeze the foot of this plush cow, it recites (or sings - they use both terms) the nursery rhyme “Hey Diddle Diddle.” And sways in time with it. The victim, er, child, gets to act things out with the finger puppets, which neglected giving the cat a fiddle. I would suggest just reading nursery rhymes to your children, personally.



I am also unqualified to comment on Christmas decorations, but you didn’t think that was going to stop me, did you?

The Illuminated Holiday Yard Gnomes: There are two of these, one wearing a red polka dot hat and one wearing a green striped hat. The word hideous comes to mind.

The Illuminated Crooning Claus: This is made of iron and pre-lit with 266 LEDs. It plays 4 songs (performed by the original artists) and speaks 5 recorded messages of good cheer. It seems to me guaranteed to irritate your neighbors, though there is a mode that has it performing only when a visitor stops to “admire” it.

The Christmas Cracker Orchestra: These look like normal Christmas crackers, but, instead of a silly hat, some trinket or toy, and a joke, they each have a numbered whistle. That might not be ridiculous, but it seems like it spoils the surprise aspect of opening a Christmas cracker.

The Life-Size Animated Grinch: Why would somebody put up a Christmas decoration that speaks phrases like, “Christmas? Bah humbug!” and the like.



Now, to move to the sublimely ridiculous:

A Piece From Every MLB Ball Park: For a mere $349.95, you can buy samples of dirt from all 30 major league baseball diamonds. That’s certified game-used dirt and it is attractively arranged on a map set in a wood frame covered with plexiglass. They don;t explain what you are supposed to do when another ballpark gets replaced.

The Year of Your Birth Folding Knife: I think I have may have mocked this item before. It’s a picket knife with a Lincoln penny from the year of your birth embedded in it. By the way, if you were born in 1943, you are out of luck. Or in luck, in my opinion.

The Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium: I find watching jellyfish quite relaxing, so this should be the sort of thing I’d like. The problem is that it comes with two synthetic jellyfish. You can also buy extra jellyfish, as well as lion fish and sea horses. For $99.95, I want real jellyfish. And somebody to care for them and keep them alive.

It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but I happened to get a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue in the mail not long ago, so I might as well mock some products. I should note that there are things in the catalogue I would actually consider ordering. I could, for example, use new pillows, but they offer so many choices that I have decision paralysis. I am also tempted by the World Championship Bagpipes, because I already own an accordion and a didgeridoo and adding bagpipes would make me the worst neighbor ever and allow me to avenge myself against the neighbor whose dog barked for 40+ hours straight during the wind storm. But I have other things (mostly travel) I would rather spend $1700 on.

The Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium: I would love to have a jellyfish aquarium. I’d probably even be willing to spend 90 dollars on one. But I don’t want one with synthetic jellyfish. Give me real jellyfish or don’t bother.

The Circulation-Enhancing Vibrating Shoes: For 200 bucks you can get shoes that vibrate, presumably to massage your feet. It takes 40 minutes to charge them, using a USB cable, and that powers each shoe for up to 23 hours. What I don’t understand is whether that is 40 minutes total to charge or 40 minutes for each shoe.

The Year of Your Birth Folding Knife: This is a folding knife which Is personalized with one’s initials and a Lincoln penny for the year of one’s birth. If you are going to spend nearly a hundred dollars on a knife, you should probably choose one that isn’t so completely hideous. Here’s a hint – you can probably glue a penny onto a decent knife for a lot less. Incidentally, if you would prefer to have a money clip for the year of your birth instead, it comes with a half dollar, not a mere penny.

The Fresh Almond Milk Maker: It not only makes almond milk, but also nut butters! So does any decent blender. You could even buy a food processor for less than a quarter of what this costs. (Personally, I am perfectly happy to buy almond milk at Trader Joe’s.)

Assorted Star Wars Tsotchkes: I am not a big Star Wars fan, so I am not qualified to comment on these. But is there really a demand for a Yoda lamp? Or a coffee press in the shape of R2-D2? An assemble-your-own wooden R2-D2? Why?

The Quinoa and Rice Cooker: Because, of course, your current rice cooker just can’t also make quinoa. Me, I use a saucepan.

The Hide-N-Seek Panda: The idea is that you hide this toy in your house and your kids look for it. What amuses me is that it hints at is location "with an authentic-sounding panda call." I don’t know about you, but I have absolutely no idea what a panda call sounds like. Now, if they made a hide-and-seek indri (a particularly cute but noisy type of lemur), we could talk.

The Chainmail Sharkproof Suit: This costs $7500 and comes with "special conditions and guarantee limitations." Now, the need for a stainless steel dive suit is somewhat specialized, so I can’t really balk at the price. But if you need something like this, don’t you want it to have some very strong guarantees?

Celebrity Death Watch: Yvonne Craig was an actress, most famous for playing Batgirl. Melody Patterson played Wrangler Jane on F Troop.

The death I most want to note is that of Merl Reagle. He was the first crossword constructor who I was ever aware of as a constructor. His penchant for puns and wordplay made his puzzles immediately recognizable – and infinitely more pleasurable than the earlier style which relied entirely on knowledge of obscure words. It’s hard to imagine what Sundays will be like without Merl’s puzzle in the Washington Post magazine section.

Del Campo: I went out to a restaurant week dinner with flyertalk folks at Del Campo. Organizing the reservation was annoying, because people drop out last minute and we went from 6 people to 10 to 8 to 6 – and then one didn’t show up. I do understand people having to travel last minute, but I really hate no shows.

Anyway, the deal is a three course dinner for $35. The restaurant had a reasonable menu – 3 choices each for appetizer and main, 2 for dessert. The mushroom empanadas were good, but didn’t blow me away. For the main, I got the short rib, which also came with chorizo and a marrow bone, as well as a surprisingly bland potato puree, with its only sign of the promised jalapenos in its color. The meat was quite tasty, however, and was the highlight of the meal. I chose the carrot cake for dessert and it was okay, but not nearly as good as my own. I also got a cocktail called a gin joint, which had grilled grapefruit juice and smoked simple syrup (as well as more normal things, like gin). It was interesting enough, but a bit sweeter than I would have preferred. Overall, I’d give the place a B to B+. I’ll also note that the service was very good, but it was awfully noisy so I felt like we were shouting at one another all evening.

Stoshvzihl Rrwvhuw: I happened to read a science fiction short story recently, which reminded me of why I don’t read a lot of certain types of science fiction. Namely, there is actually nothing wrong with a character being named Tim or Mary or the like. And, if you are going to invent some alien species, you are actually allowed to use a normal combination of vowels and consonants in its name.

When I Rule the World: There should be sensors at the entrance to metro stations which detect excessive fragrance and soak the offender with water and (unscented) soap.

Also, people should not be allowed to chew juicy fruit gum in the office.

The Height of Absurdity: I thought that the toaster I saw in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog which imprints your toast with a selfie was going to win this category. But I was in Bed Bath & Beyond recently (a store which I have deeply mixed feelings about, primarily because of its missing commas) and I saw a device intended to cook ramen noodles in half the time. In much of the world, that dish is known as "two minute noodles." Are people really that bloody impatient?

I have at least 2 more genealogy updates to do, but let’s catch up on other stuff first.

Celebrity Death Watch: Viktor Legostayev was the chief designer at Energiya, the Russian spacecraft company. Anita Ekberg was an actress. Dallas Taylor played drums with Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. Abdullah was the king of Saudi Arabia. Colleen McCullough wrote The Thorn Birds. Rod McKuen wrote poetry and song lyrics. Suzette Haden Elgin wrote The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, as well as a lot of science fiction. Ernie Banks was "Mr. Cub," a ballplayer known as much for his attitude ("Let’s play two!") as for his hall-of-fame caliber playing. Incidentally, I can’t help but be amused that he had twin sons.

The person I want to particularly highlight is Bernice Gordon, who constructed hundreds of crossword puzzles over 60+ years, dying yesterday at age 101. Her puzzles were clever and often innovative. I particularly enjoyed her last collaboration with David Steinberg. He was 16 years old and she was 100 at the time, which is further proof that puzzles really are for all ages.

Who Needs SkyMall When There is Still Hammacher Schlemmer?: Most of you know by now that the SkyMall catalogue, prime source of product mockery when flying, is no more. But, fear not. I still get the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue, so product mockery lives! The most recent edition offers cashmere lounge pants – only $179.95 and only in charcoal grey for men and light grey for women. Er, no. Cashmere belongs in scarves or maybe sweaters or, if you are part of the 1%, coats. Or, or course, on goats.

Then there are the "taste-enhancing forks." Apparently the fork has diffuser paper, so you can have a drop of aromatic oil waft its scent to your nose while eating. Because, you know, real food doesn’t have enough scent of its own. They suggest that "pairing a drop of chocolate with a mouthful of strawberry intensifies their taste." I don’t know about you, but I don’t generally eat strawberries with a fork and I don't think their flavor needs to be enhanced. And the 60 bucks this costs can buy at least a couple of months’ worth of good chocolate. The kit includes not only the forks and droppers and diffuser papers but also "a multi-sensory evening program." Any associated aromatherapy does not, apparently, enhance the ability to write coherent advertising copy.

Finally, there is "the wireless speaker water bottle." I have horrible thoughts about this catching on and what torture it would enable people at work to inflict on me. I have woken up in the morning with many a strange desire, but never once have I thought that I need to listen to music via my water bottle.

First Flight: If you’ve ever had the pleasure to take a flight piloted by Captain Denny Flanagan, you will understand why he’s a great advertisement for the best of United Airlines. It was worth taking the train up to NY to fly from JFK to LAX with Captain Denny, followed by an ops tour and lunch. There were a dozen of us who did the flight and maybe a dozen or so locals who joined us for the rest. The ops tour included going out on the ramp to look at planes, going through the ops center, and various gate activities. For example, I got to make an announcement of a flight delay. What was interesting about that is how scripted the whole thing is. That is, the gate agents don’t really get to ad lib at all.

After lunch (at The Daily Grill, which is okay, but pricy for what it is), I was able to get together with a couple of friends in LA, which included petting yarn, drinking tea, and having interesting conversations.

Good Advertising For Your Employer: For my overnight at JFK, I stayed at the Hampton Inn. That isn’t exciting, but it’s a brand I find to be reasonably consistent and reliable at a fair price point. I mention it because the shuttle driver was another person who reflected well on his employer, enthusiastically repeating why he thought they were the best. You don’t see that attitude a lot nowadays, so it is worth noting when you do.

Restaurant Week Dinner: Our latest local flyertalk get-together was a restaurant week dinner at 701. They did an excellent job. For one thing, they had several choices for each course – and no upcharges. For another, everything I had was quite good. I want to particularly note the pear crisp, because it’s the sort of dessert I really should make and never think of. It was perfect winter food.

Amazing Art: Before that dinner, I had a little time to kill and dropped in at the National Portrait Gallery / Smithsonian American Art Museum. One of the current exhibits is of works by photorealist painter Richard Estes and it completely blew me away. In short, I found it nearly impossible to believe that these were paintings and not photographs. I may go back when I have more time and look more deeply.

TESS: My local alumni club had a talk Wednesday night on the Transient Exoplanet Survey Satellite, which is a proposed NASA mission to look for earth-like planets. This included dinner at Maggiano’s, home of vast quantities of mediocre Italian food. The talk was reasonably interesting. The orbital injection is complicated and looks risky to me. I thought the coolest part was a representation of certain signal features that enables separating out stars by their sizes by converting data to sound.

I haven't done any product mockery in a while. But I have been saving clippings for that purpose and clearing them out will sort of count as house cleaning, right?

I have no right to criticize Smithfield Spirals since I don't eat ham, but why would a meat product come in caramel apple and pecan praline flavors?

I also have never had a dog, so really have no clue as to whether this makes sense, but I thought dogs are carnivores. So shouldn't dog snacks taste of meat, not of yams or PBJ? And what is the difference between the "yam" and "yam good" flavors?

Then there are scents for air freshener. I thought that opening a window was the way to freshen the air, but I do understand that isn't really a viable option if you live in, say, New Jersey. But do you really want your home to smell of creme brulee, chocolate covered cherries, or red velvet cake unless you have prepared one of those items and, therefore, have the end product available to eat? I, for one, am not about to start eating Renuzit.

First, I did get around to uploading photos of the Dupont Circle Valentine's Day yarn bombing.

About the only significant thing I did the week before leaving was go out to dinner with the D.C. flyertalk crowd. Well, actually, there was someone visiting from northern California, but I see her on the East Coast all the time. There was one new person and I hope we didn't scare him too badly. We ate at BTS, by the way, which is a trendy burger joint in Foggy Bottom. I thought it was quite good and they have an excellent beer menu, including Big Daddy IPA. But the conversation is really the point and that was, of course, excellent.

I can get a piece of paper off my desk if I mention that my immediate reaction to seeing a "kangaroo wallet" in a catalogue was to speculate about what kangaroos have that they can't just carry loose in their pockets.

As for celebrity death watch, I can't say much for either Andrew Breitbart or James Q. Wilson other than that the latter was at least a more thoughtful and more civil Conservative pundit. But I can recycle a pun for Davy Jones and sing, "I'm a bereaver."

I have a couple of non-celebrity deaths to cope with, too - a friend's husband and a colleague. There is also the imminent demise of Melody Records in Dupont Circle, a place that has been way more responsible for exercising my credit card than I care to admit.

In more positive news, Fenway Park has been declared a National Historic Site! Yay! I should also mention the retirements of Tim Wakefield and of Jason Varitek. Tek, in particular, was one of my favorites for many years, probably because he played his entire major league career for the Red Sox. I wish him (and Wake) well for the future.

Speaking of baseball, I now have a ticket to a game at the new ballpark in Miami. No, I'm not obsessive, no, not at all.

Finally, I read today that the Grim Reaper walks at 2.4 miles per hour. (Before you ask, I've already forgotten where I read it, but if you insist I will claim it was an actual scientific reference.) I hope that is referring to flat terrain only.

I've been up to lots of things, but writing here has not been one of them. However, today I revised my master list of things to do (an elaborate affair involving graph paper, categories and pens in multiple colors) and writing an entry here will let me cross off something. (Of course, I remembered something else I need to add, so it's not a lot of progress, but still ...)

Celebrity Death Watch: Obviously, the big recent celebrity death was Osama bin Laden. I'll admit to being glad, but I'm also uncomfortable with extrajudicial killing. And I have definite mixed feelings about the burial at sea. Overall, I'd have preferred a trial, execution, and unmarked grave, but we could have done a lot worse. The thing I am puzzled about is why some people said that the affair made them proud to be American. What was uniquely American about the whole thing?

I'll also repeat that I consider terrorism to be like a hydra. Cutting off the head doesn't kill the creature.

Other deaths are ones I am considerably sadder about. Two involved Broadway luminaries. Marian Mercer was an actress who won a Tony for Promises, Promises. And Arthur Laurents wrote the book of West Side Story. But the most significant was in the realm of science. Jerry Lettvin was a true original, one of the best known people on campus in my days at MIT. He was a colorful character and a great inspiration to many students. I didn't know him well, but I felt richer for having known him at all.

Dear U.S. Airways: Days start at midnight. If I am searching for a flight on June 27th at 12:40 a.m., please don't second guess me and show me a flight on June 28th. I did not catch this until after I clicked "buy." Fortunately, I called immediately and could, therefore, cancel since the ticket price on the right day was not worth taking a redeye for.

Product Mockery: While grocery shopping the other day, I saw bags of pre-peeled, hard boiled eggs. I despair for my people.

Tall Tale Contest: I drove to Roanoke on Saturday for the 2nd Annual Virginia Tall Tales Competition. There were nine contestants. Mac Swift won, with an excellent piece (which I had heard him tell before) about his uncle's desire for a flat farm. 11-year-old Olivia Merryman came in second with a piece involving how video games saved her life. Linda Goodman was third with an unusual encounter on a dark road (and an atrocious pun). And Anthony Burcher got the audience choice award with his spooneristic version of the Tower of Babel. For those who care, I told "Why I'm Not a Millionaire." It was all a lot of fun. The evening show had Bil Lep headlining, along with music by Ryan and Paul Little. Much to my relief, the Littles turned out to play jazz and not country music, which is always a risk in that part of the state. Overall, a great day.

Roanoke Walk: Since it is such a long drive (about 4 hours), I stayed overnight in Roanoke and did a volksmarch in the morning. The route went through downtown Roanoke (a bit depressed, but the market square has some life still), the Old Southwest historic district, and greenways along the Roanoke River. It was pleasant enough, though not as exciting as it might be. Still, I appreciated the exercise before the schlep home.

And now I can go and work on some of the other 50+ items on my to-do list.

I've got a list of things to do the length of my arm and writing about some of these things will help me cross off part of it.

Baseball: It ain't over till it's over. It ain't over till it's over. It ain't over till it's over. If I say it enough times, maybe I'll believe it.

Fashion: The latest L.L. Bean catalog offers a cashmere hoodie. This is just wrong.

Cars: I read a description of the Fisker Karma hybrid luxury sedan. The detail that I consider over the top is that the wood trim is claimed to be made exclusively from "trees that died from natural causes."

More products that make no sense:There is something being marketed called Devotion Vodka. Its claim to fame is that it contains protein powder. Does anyone actually believe this makes it healthier? I'll stick to a good rum, personally.

Defunct product that made no sense: While cleaning out a recipe folder, I found a "Ragu Rewards" brochure from 2000. One product offered (for just 10 UPCs plus $3.95 postage and handling) was a "children's mess kit." This included one sectioned plate, 4 tumblers, 3 bowls, 3 snack cups, lids, plus a fork and spoon, all in a drawstring travel bag. Exactly how many children was this intended to be used for?

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign:A couple of weeks ago, the Washington Post had a story about the Typo Eradication Advancement League. This appears to be a two-man operation, devoted to correcting spelling and grammar on signs. The odd part is that the story was in the travel section. Anyway, these guys are doing a good thing and it seems they have a book and a web site.

Customer service: It does not give me great confidence in a telephone company when two out of three calls to their customer service department get disconnected in the middle. It took some doing, since the person who was supposed to reschedule an appointment just canceled it instead. He also gave me a ticket number that was completely useless, as it can't be used to look up the status of a repair or even to talk to another customer service person. But I did finally get a technician out here. I have functioning phone service again! And, even better, I no longer have an intermittent hum on the line. It seems that the technician who installed my FIOS back when I moved here (nearly 3 years ago) never disconnected the copper wire.

Travel There is a company doing zeppelin tours in California. I have definitely got to do this.

Sexist Children's Books: I forgot to mention the children's books I saw at the check-out at Wegman's not long ago. They caught my eye because they were cute, shaped like people. But then I noticed that the "Astronaut," "Race Car Driver," "Firefighter," and "Police Officer" were boys. The two with girl's figures for the covers were "Princess" and "Fairy." I suppose it is possible for a girl to grow up to be a princess by marrying well, but it's hardly likely. I don't know any girls who grew up to be fairies. (I do know a few boys who did, but that's another matter). Grrr.

Where I Live: I was getting off the metro at Vienna last Friday night when a guy with an Italian accent asked me "is this the end of the line?" When I said, "yes," he asked, "is there any nightlife here?" I'm sure he did not understand why I thought the notion of nightlife in Vienna was so funny. (We do have the wonderful Jammin' Java, but this is basically quiet suburbia.)

Travel Notes: I had a quick business trip to Los Angeles, flying out Thursday morning, having two meetings on Thursday afternoon (one of which I set up as a target of opportunity) and flying back yesterday. I took advantage of that to go to Community Storytellers on Thursday night. The group is a lot smaller than it used to be, but it was still nice to see the people who were there. I was particularly pleased that Kane was there as it's been years since I've seen him.

I should note that I see more movies on airplanes than anywhere else. Going to L.A., the movie was "Julie and Julia," which I really enjoyed. Coming back, I tried to watch "Cold Souls," but I was too tired and drifted off, so I don't know if Paul Giamatti ever got his soul back from the Russian smuggling ring.

I'll also mention my fondness for the SkyMall catalog, which allows me to entertain myself by mocking our consumer culture. Does anybody ever actually buy, say, spring loaded walking shoes? or a Lord of the Rings chess set? More to the point, does anybody actually pick up the overpriced airphone and buy such stuff from the confines of a 757?

Should anybody want to buy me something ridiculous, by the way, I wouldn't mind owning (but wouldn't spend my own money on) the irrational numbers wall clock. No, come to think of it, the joke would pall after about pi minutes.

I am slowly making my way through the mail that accumulated during my vacation. I decided that I would try not to just stash the junk mail in the Box of Shame. Instead, I am actually looking through things like mail order catalogues relatively promptly.

Which means that I am, once again, puzzled by the existence of various products. The source of my greatest puzzlement at the moment is Smith & Hawken. This is a company that sells what are, nominally, garden products. In practice, that means they mostly sell metal trellises and wooden outdoor furniture sets. I think they used to sell some practical odds and ends like plastic clogs, but there is no sign of that in this catalogue.

I can't comprehend what sort of person would buy a $6000 gas grill. No, wait, I can. I imagine that, were he still alive, my father might well go for such a thing, given the competitive barbecuing that the Weber oven inspired in him. Male gadget syndrome can be a serious condition.

But what on earth would make anybody buy an outdoor television? If you are outdoors, watch the bloody outdoors.