Things Not to Get Me

[fauxklore]

I've had a productive day of shredding old files and somewhat clearing off my desk. I haven't started on the desk drawer, however. Nor have I found either of the two things I was looking for, both of which I was sure were on the desk. I believe I have to brave the box of shame to locate them. (For the uninitiated, the box of shame is a box in which I toss non-urgent mail. Things all too often marinate in there until they become urgent, alas.)

In the course of this fit of organizational mania, I ran across the collection of items from the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue that I clipped for purposes of mockery. To whit:

1. The Fingerprint Recognizing Espresso Machine. For a mere $3200, you scan your fingerprint and he machine remembers how you like your coffee. It can store up to six fingerprints and drink profiles in its database. I will stick to the aluminum drip pot I bought in Vietnam for well under a buck, thank you.
   
   
2. The Constellation Projecting Turtle Night Light. I admit I sleep well under starry skies, but I always assumed that was because sleeping under the stars meant sleeping outside, ideally in a nice dark desert. And I am not sure why I would want anything in the shape of a turtle somewhere in my bedroom. (Nothing against turtles.) To be fair, there is also a ladybug option. I don't think a foot-long ladybug proecting green stars on the ceiling would help me sleep, however.
   
   
3. The Lady's Washable Cashmere Activewear Set. Okay, it is washable, but cashmere sweats are just wrong. At least it isn't pink. (It comes in a choice of grey or black.)
   
   
4. The Only Scootercase. A suitcase with a built-in scooter. Because oblivious people who roll their roll-aboards over my feet aren't enough of a menace at the airport.
   
   
5. The Personal Soup Chef. This automatically chops vegetables and simmers broth to make homemade soup. In other words, it's a heated blender. It is, apparently, just too much trouble to cook things and put them in a blender.
   
   

And, yes, I am well aware that I own things other people would mock.