tag:dreamwidth.org,2009-05-07:309668fauxklorefauxklorefauxklore2021-12-22T04:01:44Ztag:dreamwidth.org,2009-05-07:309668:505021Hammacher Schlemmer2021-12-22T04:01:44Z2021-12-22T04:01:44Zpublic0Long-term readers may know about my fascination with the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue, purveyors of the ridiculous, useless, and overpriced, along with a handful of things I might actually want (and a smaller handful of which I bought.)<br /><br /><br />Let’s start with the not actually ridiculous but way overpriced category:<br /><br /><b>The Professional’s High Potency CBDa Cream:</b> I will admit that I have no idea what CBD cream retails for. And I don’t entirely understand what CBDa is versus the CBD that they sell at, say, convenience stores. Bu I suspect that you can get something just as good for less than $59.95 for a 1 oz jar. Or $99.95 for a 1 oz jar that has not quite twice as much CBDa-rich Chylobinoid (and twice the menthol).<br /><br /><b>The Heated Sweater Fleece Jacket:</b> This is a jacket with thin heating elements. It’s powered by a rechargeable battery. This is the sort of thing I sort of want, since I am always cold. But, I assume you can’t just throw it in the laundry. And it, apparently, heats your front and back, but they don’t say anything about your arms. At any rate, I could buy several sweaters to layer for the $169.95 this costs. <br /><br /><b>The Shackelton [sic] Expedition Hero’s Sweater:</b> While we’re on the subject of warm sweaters, this is a reproduction of a sweater worn by Tom Crean, who was part of Shackleton’s expeditions. It sells for $189.95. That isn’t necessarily outrageous for a hand-knit merino sweater, but it seems a bit rich for Crean’s blood, given that he was a ship’s carpenter who eventually went home and opened a pub. <br /><br /><b>The Child’s Luxury Turkish Robe:</b> In principle, I have nothing against the idea of a child having a nice bathrobe. But it seems to me that spending $69.95 on a garment that will be outgrown in a matter of months is not a good use of money. <br /><br /><b>The Sanitizing Sleep Cocoon:</b> I can understand being concerned about how sanitary the sheets in your hotel room are. The gimmick here is that this sheep sleeping bag is impregnated with silver chloride to allegedly ward off bacteria and mold. It sells for $99.95. You can buy a normal sheet sleeping bag at REI for about 20 bucks and the difference in price can pay for quite a lot of detergent and bleach.<br /><br /><b>The Solid Wood Fold and Store Puzzle Table:</b> This is actually something I would like for doing jigsaw puzzles. But not at $249.9.<br /><br /><br />I am not actually qualified to speak to toys, since I don’t have children. But lack of qualifications doesn’t seem to stop other product reviewers, so here goes:<br /><br /><b>The Mimicking Slow Talking Sloth:</b> Hammacher Schlemmer loves talking toys. The gimmick here is that this plush sloth repeats anything you say, just slower. And he comes with a hoodie that says “sloth mode.” It seems to me that this would encourage kids to make fun of people with speech deficiencies. (Or, for us fast-talking New Yorkers, to mock Southerners. Oh, wait, I already do that.) <br /><br /><b>The Kickball Dartboard:</b> This looks like it might actually be fun. There’s an inflatable dartboard and four balls and everything is covered with velcro. So you inflate the whole thing (with the included pump) and kick the balls towards the target dartboard. I imagine you could just throw them, too. But you could buy lots of real sporting equipment for the $179.95 they want for this. And this seems much less dangerous than, say, lawn darts, so probably isn’t as much fun. <br /><br /><b>The Personalized Engine Lover’s Repair Set:</b> Does your boy aspire to repair the engines of cars, tractors, or caterpillars? (Caterpillars are apparently some sort of machinery. I thought they were larval butterflies, but then I’m a girl. And, yes, I am joking because I am annoyed that they show only a boy in the catalogue picture. If I were a parent, I’d be more concerned that this requires 8 AAA batteries. It also has 58 pieces, which I am sure will easily get lost or swallowed. It costs the same $129.95 whether or not you opt to get it personalized, i.e. makes it harder to resell when the kid decides he wants to be a hairdresser instead of a mechanic.<br /><br /><b>The Animated Plush Piggy Bank:</b> When you put a coin in the slot, this piggy bank wiggles its ears and sings a song about saving money. That seems more likely to traumatize a child than to encourage them to save money, but what do I know?<br /><br /><b>The Story Telling Cow and Finger Puppets:</b> When you squeeze the foot of this plush cow, it recites (or sings - they use both terms) the nursery rhyme “Hey Diddle Diddle.” And sways in time with it. The victim, er, child, gets to act things out with the finger puppets, which neglected giving the cat a fiddle. I would suggest just reading nursery rhymes to your children, personally.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am also unqualified to comment on Christmas decorations, but you didn’t think that was going to stop me, did you?<br /><br /><b>The Illuminated Holiday Yard Gnomes:</b> There are two of these, one wearing a red polka dot hat and one wearing a green striped hat. The word hideous comes to mind.<br /><br /><b>The Illuminated Crooning Claus:</b> This is made of iron and pre-lit with 266 LEDs. It plays 4 songs (performed by the original artists) and speaks 5 recorded messages of good cheer. It seems to me guaranteed to irritate your neighbors, though there is a mode that has it performing only when a visitor stops to “admire” it. <br /><br /><b>The Christmas Cracker Orchestra:</b> These look like normal Christmas crackers, but, instead of a silly hat, some trinket or toy, and a joke, they each have a numbered whistle. That might not be ridiculous, but it seems like it spoils the surprise aspect of opening a Christmas cracker. <br /><br /><b>The Life-Size Animated Grinch:</b> Why would somebody put up a Christmas decoration that speaks phrases like, “Christmas? Bah humbug!” and the like.<br /><br /><br /><br />Now, to move to the sublimely ridiculous:<br /><br /><b>A Piece From Every MLB Ball Park:</b> For a mere $349.95, you can buy samples of dirt from all 30 major league baseball diamonds. That’s certified game-used dirt and it is attractively arranged on a map set in a wood frame covered with plexiglass. They don;t explain what you are supposed to do when another ballpark gets replaced. <br /><br /><b>The Year of Your Birth Folding Knife:</b> I think I have may have mocked this item before. It’s a picket knife with a Lincoln penny from the year of your birth embedded in it. By the way, if you were born in 1943, you are out of luck. Or in luck, in my opinion.<br /><br /><b>The Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium:</b> I find watching jellyfish quite relaxing, so this should be the sort of thing I’d like. The problem is that it comes with two <i>synthetic</i> jellyfish. You can also buy extra jellyfish, as well as lion fish and sea horses. For $99.95, I want real jellyfish. And somebody to care for them and keep them alive.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=fauxklore&ditemid=505021" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2009-05-07:309668:480681Advertising2020-12-17T03:41:10Z2020-12-17T03:41:10Zpublic0I sometimes play games on my phone and they tend to have ads. I don't understand some of the ads.<br /><br />I do understand what is being sold in ads for, say, industrial machinery or dentistry for children or a leaf cover for your gutters. I just don't understand why the companies in question think that advertising, say, an 18-in-1 wrench-like multitool on Bejeweled Blitz makes any sort of sense.<br /><br /><br />The worst ads are the ones for other video games. I assume that all of those that claim you can make lots of money playing some sort of game are just outright scams. The games don't even look entertaining.<br /><br /><br />Just now I saw an ad for some sort of toy called "Cats vs. Pickles." It looks like there is a multipack of plush toys that vaguely resemble those two things. Apparently, cats are afraid of pickles? But pickles love cats? I am, obviously, confused. I suspect this must be a huge fad among 7 year old girls, because it makes no sense to me.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=fauxklore&ditemid=480681" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2009-05-07:309668:405291Hammacher Schlemmer Time2018-03-07T19:19:04Z2018-03-07T19:19:04Zpublic3It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but I happened to get a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue in the mail not long ago, so I might as well mock some products. I should note that there are things in the catalogue I would actually consider ordering. I could, for example, use new pillows, but they offer so many choices that I have decision paralysis. I am also tempted by the <b>World Championship Bagpipes</b>, because I already own an accordion and a didgeridoo and adding bagpipes would make me the worst neighbor ever and allow me to avenge myself against the neighbor whose dog barked for 40+ hours straight during the wind storm. But I have other things (mostly travel) I would rather spend $1700 on.<br /><br /><b>The Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium:</b> I would love to have a jellyfish aquarium. I’d probably even be willing to spend 90 dollars on one. But I don’t want one with synthetic jellyfish. Give me real jellyfish or don’t bother.<br /><br /><b>The Circulation-Enhancing Vibrating Shoes:</b> For 200 bucks you can get shoes that vibrate, presumably to massage your feet. It takes 40 minutes to charge them, using a USB cable, and that powers each shoe for up to 23 hours. What I don’t understand is whether that is 40 minutes total to charge or 40 minutes for each shoe. <br /><br /><b>The Year of Your Birth Folding Knife:</b> This is a folding knife which Is personalized with one’s initials and a Lincoln penny for the year of one’s birth. If you are going to spend nearly a hundred dollars on a knife, you should probably choose one that isn’t so completely hideous. Here’s a hint – you can probably glue a penny onto a decent knife for a lot less. Incidentally, if you would prefer to have a money clip for the year of your birth instead, it comes with a half dollar, not a mere penny.<br /><br /><b>The Fresh Almond Milk Maker:</b> It not only makes almond milk, but also nut butters! So does any decent blender. You could even buy a food processor for less than a quarter of what this costs. (Personally, I am perfectly happy to buy almond milk at Trader Joe’s.)<br /><br /><b>Assorted Star Wars Tsotchkes:</b> I am not a big Star Wars fan, so I am not qualified to comment on these. But is there really a demand for a Yoda lamp? Or a coffee press in the shape of R2-D2? An assemble-your-own wooden R2-D2? Why?<br /><br /><b>The Quinoa and Rice Cooker:</b> Because, of course, your current rice cooker just can’t also make quinoa. Me, I use a saucepan.<br /><br /><b>The Hide-N-Seek Panda:</b> The idea is that you hide this toy in your house and your kids look for it. What amuses me is that it hints at is location "with an authentic-sounding panda call." I don’t know about you, but I have absolutely no idea what a panda call sounds like. Now, if they made a hide-and-seek indri (a particularly cute but noisy type of lemur), we could talk.<br /><br /><b>The Chainmail Sharkproof Suit:</b> This costs $7500 and comes with "special conditions and guarantee limitations." Now, the need for a stainless steel dive suit is somewhat specialized, so I can’t really balk at the price. But if you need something like this, don’t you want it to have some very strong guarantees?<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=fauxklore&ditemid=405291" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments