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Hammacher Schlemmer
Dec. 21st, 2021 10:55 pmLong-term readers may know about my fascination with the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue, purveyors of the ridiculous, useless, and overpriced, along with a handful of things I might actually want (and a smaller handful of which I bought.)
Let’s start with the not actually ridiculous but way overpriced category:
The Professional’s High Potency CBDa Cream: I will admit that I have no idea what CBD cream retails for. And I don’t entirely understand what CBDa is versus the CBD that they sell at, say, convenience stores. Bu I suspect that you can get something just as good for less than $59.95 for a 1 oz jar. Or $99.95 for a 1 oz jar that has not quite twice as much CBDa-rich Chylobinoid (and twice the menthol).
The Heated Sweater Fleece Jacket: This is a jacket with thin heating elements. It’s powered by a rechargeable battery. This is the sort of thing I sort of want, since I am always cold. But, I assume you can’t just throw it in the laundry. And it, apparently, heats your front and back, but they don’t say anything about your arms. At any rate, I could buy several sweaters to layer for the $169.95 this costs.
The Shackelton [sic] Expedition Hero’s Sweater: While we’re on the subject of warm sweaters, this is a reproduction of a sweater worn by Tom Crean, who was part of Shackleton’s expeditions. It sells for $189.95. That isn’t necessarily outrageous for a hand-knit merino sweater, but it seems a bit rich for Crean’s blood, given that he was a ship’s carpenter who eventually went home and opened a pub.
The Child’s Luxury Turkish Robe: In principle, I have nothing against the idea of a child having a nice bathrobe. But it seems to me that spending $69.95 on a garment that will be outgrown in a matter of months is not a good use of money.
The Sanitizing Sleep Cocoon: I can understand being concerned about how sanitary the sheets in your hotel room are. The gimmick here is that this sheep sleeping bag is impregnated with silver chloride to allegedly ward off bacteria and mold. It sells for $99.95. You can buy a normal sheet sleeping bag at REI for about 20 bucks and the difference in price can pay for quite a lot of detergent and bleach.
The Solid Wood Fold and Store Puzzle Table: This is actually something I would like for doing jigsaw puzzles. But not at $249.9.
I am not actually qualified to speak to toys, since I don’t have children. But lack of qualifications doesn’t seem to stop other product reviewers, so here goes:
The Mimicking Slow Talking Sloth: Hammacher Schlemmer loves talking toys. The gimmick here is that this plush sloth repeats anything you say, just slower. And he comes with a hoodie that says “sloth mode.” It seems to me that this would encourage kids to make fun of people with speech deficiencies. (Or, for us fast-talking New Yorkers, to mock Southerners. Oh, wait, I already do that.)
The Kickball Dartboard: This looks like it might actually be fun. There’s an inflatable dartboard and four balls and everything is covered with velcro. So you inflate the whole thing (with the included pump) and kick the balls towards the target dartboard. I imagine you could just throw them, too. But you could buy lots of real sporting equipment for the $179.95 they want for this. And this seems much less dangerous than, say, lawn darts, so probably isn’t as much fun.
The Personalized Engine Lover’s Repair Set: Does your boy aspire to repair the engines of cars, tractors, or caterpillars? (Caterpillars are apparently some sort of machinery. I thought they were larval butterflies, but then I’m a girl. And, yes, I am joking because I am annoyed that they show only a boy in the catalogue picture. If I were a parent, I’d be more concerned that this requires 8 AAA batteries. It also has 58 pieces, which I am sure will easily get lost or swallowed. It costs the same $129.95 whether or not you opt to get it personalized, i.e. makes it harder to resell when the kid decides he wants to be a hairdresser instead of a mechanic.
The Animated Plush Piggy Bank: When you put a coin in the slot, this piggy bank wiggles its ears and sings a song about saving money. That seems more likely to traumatize a child than to encourage them to save money, but what do I know?
The Story Telling Cow and Finger Puppets: When you squeeze the foot of this plush cow, it recites (or sings - they use both terms) the nursery rhyme “Hey Diddle Diddle.” And sways in time with it. The victim, er, child, gets to act things out with the finger puppets, which neglected giving the cat a fiddle. I would suggest just reading nursery rhymes to your children, personally.
I am also unqualified to comment on Christmas decorations, but you didn’t think that was going to stop me, did you?
The Illuminated Holiday Yard Gnomes: There are two of these, one wearing a red polka dot hat and one wearing a green striped hat. The word hideous comes to mind.
The Illuminated Crooning Claus: This is made of iron and pre-lit with 266 LEDs. It plays 4 songs (performed by the original artists) and speaks 5 recorded messages of good cheer. It seems to me guaranteed to irritate your neighbors, though there is a mode that has it performing only when a visitor stops to “admire” it.
The Christmas Cracker Orchestra: These look like normal Christmas crackers, but, instead of a silly hat, some trinket or toy, and a joke, they each have a numbered whistle. That might not be ridiculous, but it seems like it spoils the surprise aspect of opening a Christmas cracker.
The Life-Size Animated Grinch: Why would somebody put up a Christmas decoration that speaks phrases like, “Christmas? Bah humbug!” and the like.
Now, to move to the sublimely ridiculous:
A Piece From Every MLB Ball Park: For a mere $349.95, you can buy samples of dirt from all 30 major league baseball diamonds. That’s certified game-used dirt and it is attractively arranged on a map set in a wood frame covered with plexiglass. They don;t explain what you are supposed to do when another ballpark gets replaced.
The Year of Your Birth Folding Knife: I think I have may have mocked this item before. It’s a picket knife with a Lincoln penny from the year of your birth embedded in it. By the way, if you were born in 1943, you are out of luck. Or in luck, in my opinion.
The Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium: I find watching jellyfish quite relaxing, so this should be the sort of thing I’d like. The problem is that it comes with two synthetic jellyfish. You can also buy extra jellyfish, as well as lion fish and sea horses. For $99.95, I want real jellyfish. And somebody to care for them and keep them alive.
Let’s start with the not actually ridiculous but way overpriced category:
The Professional’s High Potency CBDa Cream: I will admit that I have no idea what CBD cream retails for. And I don’t entirely understand what CBDa is versus the CBD that they sell at, say, convenience stores. Bu I suspect that you can get something just as good for less than $59.95 for a 1 oz jar. Or $99.95 for a 1 oz jar that has not quite twice as much CBDa-rich Chylobinoid (and twice the menthol).
The Heated Sweater Fleece Jacket: This is a jacket with thin heating elements. It’s powered by a rechargeable battery. This is the sort of thing I sort of want, since I am always cold. But, I assume you can’t just throw it in the laundry. And it, apparently, heats your front and back, but they don’t say anything about your arms. At any rate, I could buy several sweaters to layer for the $169.95 this costs.
The Shackelton [sic] Expedition Hero’s Sweater: While we’re on the subject of warm sweaters, this is a reproduction of a sweater worn by Tom Crean, who was part of Shackleton’s expeditions. It sells for $189.95. That isn’t necessarily outrageous for a hand-knit merino sweater, but it seems a bit rich for Crean’s blood, given that he was a ship’s carpenter who eventually went home and opened a pub.
The Child’s Luxury Turkish Robe: In principle, I have nothing against the idea of a child having a nice bathrobe. But it seems to me that spending $69.95 on a garment that will be outgrown in a matter of months is not a good use of money.
The Sanitizing Sleep Cocoon: I can understand being concerned about how sanitary the sheets in your hotel room are. The gimmick here is that this sheep sleeping bag is impregnated with silver chloride to allegedly ward off bacteria and mold. It sells for $99.95. You can buy a normal sheet sleeping bag at REI for about 20 bucks and the difference in price can pay for quite a lot of detergent and bleach.
The Solid Wood Fold and Store Puzzle Table: This is actually something I would like for doing jigsaw puzzles. But not at $249.9.
I am not actually qualified to speak to toys, since I don’t have children. But lack of qualifications doesn’t seem to stop other product reviewers, so here goes:
The Mimicking Slow Talking Sloth: Hammacher Schlemmer loves talking toys. The gimmick here is that this plush sloth repeats anything you say, just slower. And he comes with a hoodie that says “sloth mode.” It seems to me that this would encourage kids to make fun of people with speech deficiencies. (Or, for us fast-talking New Yorkers, to mock Southerners. Oh, wait, I already do that.)
The Kickball Dartboard: This looks like it might actually be fun. There’s an inflatable dartboard and four balls and everything is covered with velcro. So you inflate the whole thing (with the included pump) and kick the balls towards the target dartboard. I imagine you could just throw them, too. But you could buy lots of real sporting equipment for the $179.95 they want for this. And this seems much less dangerous than, say, lawn darts, so probably isn’t as much fun.
The Personalized Engine Lover’s Repair Set: Does your boy aspire to repair the engines of cars, tractors, or caterpillars? (Caterpillars are apparently some sort of machinery. I thought they were larval butterflies, but then I’m a girl. And, yes, I am joking because I am annoyed that they show only a boy in the catalogue picture. If I were a parent, I’d be more concerned that this requires 8 AAA batteries. It also has 58 pieces, which I am sure will easily get lost or swallowed. It costs the same $129.95 whether or not you opt to get it personalized, i.e. makes it harder to resell when the kid decides he wants to be a hairdresser instead of a mechanic.
The Animated Plush Piggy Bank: When you put a coin in the slot, this piggy bank wiggles its ears and sings a song about saving money. That seems more likely to traumatize a child than to encourage them to save money, but what do I know?
The Story Telling Cow and Finger Puppets: When you squeeze the foot of this plush cow, it recites (or sings - they use both terms) the nursery rhyme “Hey Diddle Diddle.” And sways in time with it. The victim, er, child, gets to act things out with the finger puppets, which neglected giving the cat a fiddle. I would suggest just reading nursery rhymes to your children, personally.
I am also unqualified to comment on Christmas decorations, but you didn’t think that was going to stop me, did you?
The Illuminated Holiday Yard Gnomes: There are two of these, one wearing a red polka dot hat and one wearing a green striped hat. The word hideous comes to mind.
The Illuminated Crooning Claus: This is made of iron and pre-lit with 266 LEDs. It plays 4 songs (performed by the original artists) and speaks 5 recorded messages of good cheer. It seems to me guaranteed to irritate your neighbors, though there is a mode that has it performing only when a visitor stops to “admire” it.
The Christmas Cracker Orchestra: These look like normal Christmas crackers, but, instead of a silly hat, some trinket or toy, and a joke, they each have a numbered whistle. That might not be ridiculous, but it seems like it spoils the surprise aspect of opening a Christmas cracker.
The Life-Size Animated Grinch: Why would somebody put up a Christmas decoration that speaks phrases like, “Christmas? Bah humbug!” and the like.
Now, to move to the sublimely ridiculous:
A Piece From Every MLB Ball Park: For a mere $349.95, you can buy samples of dirt from all 30 major league baseball diamonds. That’s certified game-used dirt and it is attractively arranged on a map set in a wood frame covered with plexiglass. They don;t explain what you are supposed to do when another ballpark gets replaced.
The Year of Your Birth Folding Knife: I think I have may have mocked this item before. It’s a picket knife with a Lincoln penny from the year of your birth embedded in it. By the way, if you were born in 1943, you are out of luck. Or in luck, in my opinion.
The Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium: I find watching jellyfish quite relaxing, so this should be the sort of thing I’d like. The problem is that it comes with two synthetic jellyfish. You can also buy extra jellyfish, as well as lion fish and sea horses. For $99.95, I want real jellyfish. And somebody to care for them and keep them alive.
