Eat, Pray, Love my style

In my last post, I mentioned reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love and that it resonated with me because of issues I am having in each of those areas. I’m a very different sort of person than she is and my personal path is very different, though I do relate to the idea of running away to other countries as a way of coping with stresses in life. Anyway, this will also get me to write about dating, which is one of the things I have been claiming I am going to write about for months.

Eat: Elizabeth Gilbert went to Italy, ostensibly to study the language, but found herself focused on pleasure. And pleasure is nicely tangled up with food in Italy. Indeed, the best meal of my life was at an unimpressive hotel in Sorrento, where the pasta was freshly made with eggplant from the garden and the fish was super fresh and there was gelato for dessert. I’m going to Italy again next year and am particularly looking forward to the Firenze Gelato Festival.

The issue is, however, that food is not much of a day to day pleasure for me right now. I’m busy and stressed and there isn’t time to cook well, so I end up eating what is quick and that isn’t particularly good or good for me. This week included a perfect example. I had a bunch of errands to run, which included grocery shopping. By the time I was done with that (and getting my car inspected and returning library books and so on), I was too tired to actually make the curry I had bought the ingredients for and opened a can of soup.

The answer is pretty simple. I need to make the time to cook and I probably need to do more of the big batch / stock the freezer type stuff. Preparing lunch to bring to work the night before would also be a big help. To add a pleasure aspect, I think I will start bringing some baked goods into the office more often.

Pray: Elizabeth Gilbert went to an ashram in India, where she scrubbed floors and meditated. She doesn’t actually say it in her book, but there is a lot of evidence that she’s involved in Siddha Yoga, which has its own controversies. Those are not especially relevant to me, since I have no interest in looking outside my own traditions.

Anyway, my main issue is that a lot of congregations are not particularly welcoming to single people and/or people in my age group. For example, 3 of the 4 High Holiday services that Sixth & I Synagogue offers are advertised as being for people in their 20’s and 30’s. So I haven’t been feeling like a part of a community.

Again, there is a solution here. I have some leads from a couple of friends on some congregations that may feel more welcoming. I’ve got plans to do a little exploring this High Holiday season and see if I can make things work better for me.

Another issue is not specifically religious thing, but it fits in here as well as anywhere. I am not making enough time for contemplation. For example, I keep falling behind in my personal journals. The bigger thing is to not schedule myself so extensively that I don’t have time to think. This will be a challenge, but it’s important in the long run.

Love: Elizabeth Gilbert went to Indonesia in search of balance and found a man she eventually married. I’ve had summer romances, but that was back in my misspent youth.

I think I’ve more or less figured out where things went wrong between me and Robert, thanks to something another friend said. Robert is content to stay within his comfort zone and I’m somewhat obsessed with stretching mine and that difference inevitably led us into conflict. I’m sure he was at least as frustrated with my inherent restlessness as I was with what I characterize as his stick-in-the-mud attitude.

Anyway, about dating. Dating sucks. Meeting someone for coffee or a meal or whatever puts both of you in an artificial environment that makes it hard to tell more than if there is any real potential. The test of relationships isn’t in the times you go out and do fun stuff. (Nor is it in the times you are dealing with one or the other person’s trauma, though one hopes that won’t come up on an early date.) It’s the days of routine, the nights when you watch TV with nothing really on, the little moments we fail so badly at. (Which is, by the way, a reason that long distance relationships fail when they stop being long distance. But that’s another subject.)

So, what am I looking for? First off, I am hopelessly heterosexual, which is an obvious constraint. I don’t think there is anything wrong with people being LGBQT, but I’m not. And I will admit that I am not interested in anyone transgendered.

In short, I am looking for a Jewish man of suitable age, which I would define reasonably broadly. Say 45-70, but that isn’t an absolute. A lot of men in my age range are still thinking of having children, which is clearly not going to happen with me. (I am perfectly amenable to getting involved with someone who does have children. However, there are biological realities which are an obvious limitation at my age.) Other things which are critical are financial responsibility (which means living within one’s means, whatever those means are) and avoidance of mind-altering substances (including excessive alcohol).

Common values are more important than common interests. I’m a social liberal and economic conservative. Willingness to try new things is a very important thing (see comment about comfort zones above). The most important thing is not to require constant togetherness. I’d like to share some of the things I enjoy with someone else, but I’d also rather, say, travel alone than listen to someone whine about lack of air conditioning or indoor plumbing. I’m flexible on geography, but I am never going to relocate to somewhere dry and inland. I’m flexible about appearance, though I will admit that I tend to be attracted to tall, hairy men.

I’m not really posting that as a shopping list, but in the event somebody I know knows somebody …

This one doesn’t have a simple solution. But I could stand to spend more time doing things that get me to meet new people.

Overall, it looks like I have plenty of things to work on.